Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
