Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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