I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
