So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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