I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
