sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize