Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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