God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
