I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
