Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize