12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
