Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
