i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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