i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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