tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
