How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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