meet me or not, i'm out of control
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
