don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
