i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize