How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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