PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
