Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
