You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
