when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
