All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
