Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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