You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
