i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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