I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
