Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
