It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize