I checked into jail on foursquare
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize