i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
