2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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