Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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