so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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