at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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