I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
