No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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