I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
the raccoons are back...
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