I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My life is pants optional.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
