I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
