when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
