What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
