A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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