just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
