Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
