I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize