I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
