That's when you crack a 10am beer
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
