Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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