I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
