I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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