Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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