I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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