No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
