We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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