thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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