last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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