Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
