John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
