Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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