I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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