Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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