She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
