Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
